Where to start with this 1 ?
This page will have some amusing (well, they amuse me anyway) stories, I'll add
them just as & when:
a) The Judicial system will have no involvement anymore. (which means plenty of
stories from 'The Door')
b) I get round to it.
From: Steve
Sent: 30 December 2006 02:17
Subject: The Flying Snow Globe :-(
As most of you know I bought (& was very impressed with) my 6' snow globe,
complete with artificial snow. (Picture attached.)
Ian (Noelene's Dad) phoned yesterday (Friday) to inform us that the winds were
going to pick up and that it might be a good idea to bring it in before it blew
away. I thought to myself, ach, what does he know, (well it turns out, quite a
lot actually) the weather reports are always wrong.
Why is it when the weather report says heavy snow we get nothing, when they say
scorching sunshine, nothing, however when they say it's going to be a bit breezy
hurricane jacob decides to descend upon our wee street.
I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when, standing at the back door having a
cigarette I watched (somewhat incredulously) my aforementioned snow globe go
screaming down the street at about 50mph. It got to the bottom of the road,
settled down for about half a second then flew away to the right. (& out of
sight)
Noelene & Sij had heard a noise outside, looked out the window, noticed that it
was missing and shouted through to me "your snowglobes missing" (no shit
Sherlock)
I missed the rest of what they were trying to say as I couldn't understand them
over their laughter. (I don't think it's very funny)
I ran down the street to try and retrieve it, couldn't find it & came back to
get a torch. (& a jacket, seems I forgot that the weather report mentioned
something about 'light rain' as well.)
When I got back in, Noelene & Sij looked as if they had been crying, (& they
had, and as per usual it was at my mis-fortune) they told me that Ian had come
down & asked if that was Dad that went running down the street after his
snowglobe. (You notice that none of them are referring to it as our snow globe
now, no, now that this has happened it's mine.)
Noelene had put her jacket on to come & help me on my search, as we were leaving
Sij said "if you meet anyone and you have to ask about 'his' snowglobe, please
don't tell them you are my Mum & Dad" kids eh.
Anyway, good news, I found MY snowglobe & it hadn't gone as far as we thought,
it was mere 2 miles away & lying in the middle of a bramble bush.
Happy days eh.
Hopefully this is not the shape of the year ahead for me.
:-)
From: Steve
Sent: 23 September 2006 10:25
Subject: Ach, am scunnered
As most of you know I have a bit of a 'thing' for e-bay. Last week the wand
broke on our (Noelene's) Dyson so I thought I would try on there for a new 1,
you can imagine how surprised & impressed I was to see a brand new, still in the
box, Dyson DC07 for sale. At a starting price of only £21 & with no bids I
thought I would grab myself a bargain.
The post man delivered it yesterday but as there was nobody in I had to go &
collect it this morning. I went along to the post office, handed over my card &
got handed over a much smaller box than I anticipated, I said that it was
probably the wrong box as I was expecting something much bigger, he checked the
name & address and confirmed that it was the correct package.
I have started to think at this point that I have just paid for a new bin for a
Dyson instead of a Dyson. (oh how I wish it was as useful, at least that way I
(Noelene) could have got some use out of it.)
What I have in fact purchased for £28.00 (£7 post & packing) was a toy Dyson
DC07. A toy which I could have bought for £10 less if I had been bothered to
look.
http://www.mailorderexpress.com/shop2/results.asp?aid=frg001&prd=90379
Anyway, I now have for sale, a toy dyson hoover, still in the box etc etc etc.
£17.00
& before you all start, there's probably not much more that you can say to me or
call me that Noelene hasn't done already.
Hope this has cheered you up.
:-(
Sent: Sunday, August 18, 2002 5:27 AM
----- Original Message -----
From: Steve
Sent: Sunday, August 18, 2002 5:27 AM
Subject: Bet my Saturday night was better than yours !
This is a belter !
Last night I had nipped up to 1 of the clubs in Falkirk, as I was leaving
(03.10) I got into my car, looked to my left & noticed a bloke standing in the
alley with what appeared to be a sawn off shotgun, 1 of his mates came round the
corner and as he walked down the alley lifted the back of his shirt & I saw the
silver handle of a gun. Just as I was thinking it would maybe be a good idea to
move my car down the road a bit a Police car came around the corner. I waved him
over and told him that it looked like the 2 lads had guns, his exact words -
"guns, you sure ? I don't think it will be guns" (hindsight coming up here) he
proceeded over to the alley, pushed open the gate and looked straight down the
barrel of the shotgun. (The poor P.C has probably missed half a dozen birthdays,
I swear he aged that fast at this point. He almost jumped straight out of his
uniform)
The P.C then grabbed the gun & the bloke, threw him down to the floor and asked
him to kindly stay there (or words to that effect!!!) I decided when he went for
the chap that I would get out of the car (this is the same car (Mondeo) that the
adverts would have you believe is definitely the safest place to be by the way,
anyway, what did I have to worry about, I had my bullet proof (?) D&G shirt on)
& give him a hand. (duh!)
As I ran round the about 5 of his mates started walking up the alley, the P.C
was telling them (in a strict but fair & even tone of voice obviously) that they
should all stay where they were, I moved in front of the alley (pretty dumb when
you remember that there is still a second gun somewhere, but hey, I'm still
wearing that bullet proof D&G shirt, what have I got to worry about ?) and
advised them to stay where they were then a couple of the lads (Doormen) from
the club came over at this point to give me a wee hand.
The P.C got on his radio and asked for some assistance, (by the way, I didn't
actually realise that there were so many Police in Falkirk) they arrived about
60 seconds later, the Sgt who took over instructed them to "cuff" the prisoner,
(we were all getting ready to give him a good smack when we realised that he
meant handcuff) the prisoner at this point said "I was only joking" the P.C
replied with "do you see me laughing son ?" (can I just say at this point, that
although this all seems pretty serious, that 1 line by the P.C had us all in
stitches, and for the following hour all you could hear from the Bouncers was "I
was only joking" & "do you see me laughing son ?" definitely 1 to remember)
(Sorry, forgot to mention, the gun turned out to be a fake)
The rest of the lads were all pulled out from the alley & questioned, (I missed
most of what happened here, we were all to busy with "I was only joking" & "do
you see me laughing son ?")
My apologies if you don't find any of this amusing, it may just be 1 of those
ones that you had to be there. (with the exception of the P.C & the prisoner
obviously, they didn't do much smiling)
What is really sad about it all though is that the bloke (prisoner) who was
(according to him) "mucking about with his mates" has just ruined his life,
unless of course he can convince the Judge that pointing a (fake) sawn off
shotgun at a Policeman's head was just a joke.
I also hope that the P.C is able to get his head round the 'joke' that was
played on him, I have a funny feeling though that it may be 1 that he thinks
about now & again.
I am willing to bet that there are now a lot more people that will think twice
before playing 'jokes' on people though.
Have a nice day folks.
|
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The 1st one started with an e-mail when I was out on the piss !
10/05/03 - 03.43
Hiya,
1st of all my apologies to Scot2y, I really didn't mean for Kirsty to see me
doing a pee, I was quite surprised at the look of shock on her face. (& I will
pay for the dry cleaning)
2ndly, can anyone who was at the night out explain my burst knuckle & bruise on
my forehead (someone mentioned headbutting someone in the bar but I really can't
remember, added to which it just doesn't sound like the kind of thing that I
would do)
3rdly, watched a REALLY funny fight at the Claremont, (handbags at 20 paces
stuff) I do feel genuinely sorry for the girl that stepped in the way of the
punch that was heading in the direction of her Husbands face, bet she won't do
that again. Neds eh ! he he
4thly, Wrighty (Bouncer) threatened to "boot me in the nuts" he got flung on the
pool table, held down & Terry (the Homo) ( & also Tetley's "special friend") was
offered a free shot, it's funny how much he apologised when his trousers were at
his ankles & Terry was having a "wee grope" I wonder if Wrighty will be working
tonight. methinks not !
5thly, I'm now going to my bed cos' I don't feel very well.
Night night.
;-)
p.s - the night out was to celebrate/commiserate Craig's leaving Hewden, he is
off to pastures new, Qatar or some such place, what fun
Tetley (see below) the responded with:
Well Mr Williams, from what I gather I've been usurped from "special friend"
status with Gay Terry by yourself. While I am friends with Terry I have never
participated in a gay gang rape with him unlike yourself.
Have a good one mate
Your errant taxi driver
Tetley
1 of the other comments about the 'Gay Gang Rape' was along the lines of: what
if the Police had walked in, do you think they would have seen the funny side of
it ? You could end up on some sort of register for that !
oops.
p.s - Wrighty hasn't been since, huh, Bouncers nowadays. he he
Sent: Saturday, July 13, 2002 5:31 AM
----- Original Message -----
From: Steve
Sent: Saturday, July 13, 2002 5:31 AM
Subject: & you thought you were having a bad day!
Hey folks,
Yesterday (Friday) we decided to go to the Safari Park with the kids,
unfortunately though when we got there the heavens opened up & the rain fell (&
boy did it!) so we decided to carry on for a drive up to Ben Lawers (1 of my
favourite places) anyway, we got there and had our picnic then Sij & Ian got out
of the car to go & explore. (Which roughly translates into throwing rocks in the
river)
There was an electric fence just at the back of us & I warned them both not to
go near it (& no, this isn't going where you think it is) I explained to Ian
about going near the fence, electric shocks, hospitals etc. & he seemed quite
happy to stay away from it.
I decided to join the kids at the side of the dam (Noelene stayed in the car
with Jordan) (oh how I wish...) they were at the side of the waterfall which
runs into the dam, I told them to stay there as I was going to go to the other
side & take a photograph (it looked exceptional, the hills at the back of them,
the waterfall in front) anyway, in order to get to the other side I had to find
a safe place to cross, I walked about 30' then found an area with hard rock that
would allow me access to the other side, unfortunately for me, VERY), the hard
rock turned out to be very soft mud, I stepped on to it and did 2 very
impressive 180 degree turns, 1 which turned me to face the way I had just come,
& the other which put my feet where my head had been about 1 sec. before, just
to make the whole thing more spectacular I was also about 3' above the ground at
this point. Gravity ( which is no friend of mine btw) helped me come back down
to earth, (when I say earth, I obviously mean rocks, very hard, unforgiving
rocks, where is the nice soft mud now ?)
In my right hand I was holding my digital camera & there was no way I was
putting that hand down to stop me & risk breaking the camera (hindsight is a
great thing) so all that I could do was put my left hand down, (I thought I'd
try 1 of those impressive handsprings) the mind was willing, the body however
was not, as I hit the ground I heard a (not very nice) popping sound, this was
followed by an extremely uncomfortable (& by this I mean agonising, sickening,
make you want to puke) feeling in my shoulder.
I had at this point in time just grown 1 breast (& lost 1 shoulder) for those of
you that have had a dislocated shoulder you know the pain I was feeling, for
those of you that have not, I really hope that you never do.
Expecting to find my caring family all to be running to my aid at this point,
you can understand how surprised I was that my acrobatic/aerobatic stunt went
un-noticed, I stood up & promptly fell to my knees, I waited a minute or two &
tried again, I managed about 5 steps this time before falling to my knees once
more (I'm not quite so hard now eh ?) I looked over to the car & waved over to
Noelene to come & help me, Noelene at this point......waved back ! I got to my
feet once more and (clutching at my chest, this due to the fact that this is
where my shoulder is now sitting) started to make my way over to the car, Sij &
Ian eventually noticed that something was wrong & raced over to help their dear
old Dad (well, they sauntered over, stopped once to throw more rocks in the
river) they both looked at me and almost in unison said "you touched the fence
didn't you !" (what faith my kids have in me !) they helped me over to the car,
opened the door, & Noelene who had realised that something was wrong said "you
touched the fence didn't you !" (what faith my wife has in me !) there then
followed a fit of the giggles (oh yes, very funny, not) Noelene then realised
the following:
a) I really did look "not well"
b) I hadn't had that extra breast when I left the car.
c) I was covered in mud. (now I REALLY don't like to get dirty so I must be "not
well")
After explaining what had happened, we set out for Falkirk Royal, I would not
advise the 2 hour trip over country roads to anyone with a dislocated shoulder,
it really is not very nice. Ian (with some incredulity in his voice) asked me
about 20 times WHY I had stepped in the mud, he is not convinced that it was an
accident, after all, everybody knows that you don't step in mud, don't they ?
By the time we got to Stirling I was seriously woosing out, no way could I
travel the extra 15 mins to Falkirk, I had to get Noelene to take me to Stirling
Royal instead. The very nice Nurses in there pumped me full of morphine, entinox
& something else which I'm not sure about (starting to feel a little better now
*grin*) they then had the x-rays done which confirmed (surprise surprise) a
dislocated shoulder and a broken arm (to be fair, a small break on the shoulder,
but still a break) They then "popped" my shoulder back in. (& no, I didn't pass
out with the pain at this point, it was the painkillers that made me go to
sleep) When I woke up about 10 mins later, I was aware of this annoying,
beep...beep....beep in the background, they had wired me up to the heart
monitor, they were in such a rush (so they say) that they didn't have time to
shave me before they put the (very) sticky pads on my hairy chest & shoulders.
I now have:
a) a 'fixed' dislocated shoulder.
b) a 'not' fixed broken arm/shoulder.
c) 4 bald spots where the pads were removed.
d) my son who still can't understand why I stepped on the mud, & why we ended up
in hospital even though he didn't touch the electric fence.
e) a pink sling !
f) & the major plus point, LOTS & LOTS of TLC from Noelene & Sij (Ian wants to
know when we are going to the Safari Park)
Hope I have managed to cheer you all up here folks.
Happy holiday !
p.s - In case you are wondering why I am sending an e-mail at 05.20 in the
morning, I started this at 22.00 last night, but, I only have 1 finger that I
can type with now, it has taken me this long to get to the end.
;-(
p.p.s - Only kidding (about starting at 22.00) since I woke up in the hospital
at about 19.00 I have not been able to get to sleep, very strange.
;-)